A Social Network of Oil & Gas Professionals
a few jokes and poems page.......
A FEW OILFIELD JOKES
A man retires after 50 years in the oilfield. He is hanging around the house and gets bored, so he goes down to the nieghborhood bar.
He's having a couple of beers and starts a conversation with the bartender. The bartender asks him what he does. The guy says he just retired after 50 years in the oil patch.
The bartender says "wow! 50 years huh? You must know all there is to know about drilling an oil well".
The guy chuckles and says "no. I don't figure i know half of it."
the bartender is amazed. He says "you mean you worked in the oil business for 50 years and you don't know all there is to know about it?"
guy says " no, not by a long shot."
bartender says "well just how long do you have to work in the oilfield to know all there is to know about it?"
the man thought a second and says "usually about 6 months!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daylight Driller is filling out his books. He sees that Morning tour wrote "Pull out hole"
So he writes "Put hole back in"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old timeDriller always writes "F'n the dog" on the books whenever thier on down time. The Tool Pusher tells him they have a new secratary in the office and she's real religeous so don't be writin that anymore.
The Driller starts writing "Chasing the dog" instead. This goes on for awhile. One day after being down for awhile he's in a hurry and forgets. He writes "F'n the dog".
A few days later the Push brings out the pay checks. The drill opens his and inside is a note from the secretary. It reads " I see you finally caught that dog"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A worm has been in the patch just long enough to think he knows it all. One day they are moving the rig. They get it all set up and shut down for the night. The next morning he shows up early before anyone else gets there. He fires up the engines and starts running the blocks up and down.
He's yelling at the floor "Make them tongs bite! Pull those slips!" He looks up at the board and yells "Latch that pipe hand!". He's having such a good time he doesn't see the Tool Pusher walk up behind him. The Push watches him for a minute then taps him on the shoulder. The kid is startled, he looks back at the Pusher. He chains the brake handle down looks up at the derrick board and yells "Come on down, we're all run off!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hand comes up to a rig with a black leg looking for a job. The Driller says he needs a Derrickhand. The hand says "Well I'm the best Derrickhand in the world."
The Driller says "Yeah,sure. Tell you what, you run this pipe in the hole and you can have the job."
They start running pipe. The Driller says to the floor hands "Let's see how good this guy really is."
He runs the blocks up as fast as they'll go. The hand latches it, wham!! The stand jumps of the floor. The Driller showers down on the brake handle.
He makes that one up. He tells his hands "Ok, turn those elevators around backwards." He runs them up as fast as he can, turned backwards. Wham! The stand jumps off the floor. He showers down on the brake.
"All right I'll show that smart ass" He tells his hands " Take that sledge hammer and break those bull horns off those elevators."
He sails them up, backwards, no horns, and Wham!! The stand jumps off the floor. He showers down and looks up "Damn it! I'll show him."
He tells his hands "Take them damn elevators off."
He sends the blocks up thru the derrick. He says laughing "Let's see that smart SOB latch one now."
About that time the stand jumps off the floor. He showers down and looks up.
The Derrickhand hollers " Better hurry up and stab it drill. I only had time to get one half hitch in this rope!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Men of Iron
The day is fresh
We are too
There's too many things for us to do
We're the men of iron
We service the rig
Then we toil
In mans search for hidden oil
We're the men of iron
A connection or two
The bit wears out
Out of the hole the driller shouts
We're the men of iron
The blocks go up
The blocks fall down
The rotary spins round and around
We're the men of iron
The bit is out
We're half way through
We stop for a drink and a bite of food
We're the men of iron
A new bits on
We run it in
We're on bottom drilling again
We're the men of iron
Its quiting time
Relief is here
We hit the road and get a beer
We're the men of iron
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Oilfield Trash
I'm an oilfield hand that's what I am
I've worked on rigs all over this land
I travel around from town to town
drilling little holes in the ground
It's a gypsy life, but I sure love it
I'm oilfield trash and damn proud of it
I've got a woman in every town
and thier always glad when I come around
Lovin and drinkin and raising hell
those are the things that I do well
I love a barroom brawl
A knock down drag out free for all
And if the locals get in my way
I look em in the eye and say;
"Kiss my ass! I'm oilfield trash!
If you don't like it you can shove it
cause I'm oilfield trash and damned proud of it!!"
A man retires after 50 years in the oilfield. He is hanging around the house and gets bored, so he goes down to the nieghborhood bar.
He's having a couple of beers and starts a conversation with the bartender. The bartender asks him what he does. The guy says he just retired after 50 years in the oil patch.
The bartender says "wow! 50 years huh? You must know all there is to know about drilling an oil well".
The guy chuckles and says "no. I don't figure i know half of it."
the bartender is amazed. He says "you mean you worked in the oil business for 50 years and you don't know all there is to know about it?"
guy says " no, not by a long shot."
bartender says "well just how long do you have to work in the oilfield to know all there is to know about it?"
the man thought a second and says "usually about 6 months!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daylight Driller is filling out his books. He sees that Morning tour wrote "Pull out hole"
So he writes "Put hole back in"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old timeDriller always writes "F'n the dog" on the books whenever thier on down time. The Tool Pusher tells him they have a new secratary in the office and she's real religeous so don't be writin that anymore.
The Driller starts writing "Chasing the dog" instead. This goes on for awhile. One day after being down for awhile he's in a hurry and forgets. He writes "F'n the dog".
A few days later the Push brings out the pay checks. The drill opens his and inside is a note from the secretary. It reads " I see you finally caught that dog"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A worm has been in the patch just long enough to think he knows it all. One day they are moving the rig. They get it all set up and shut down for the night. The next morning he shows up early before anyone else gets there. He fires up the engines and starts running the blocks up and down.
He's yelling at the floor "Make them tongs bite! Pull those slips!" He looks up at the board and yells "Latch that pipe hand!". He's having such a good time he doesn't see the Tool Pusher walk up behind him. The Push watches him for a minute then taps him on the shoulder. The kid is startled, he looks back at the Pusher. He chains the brake handle down looks up at the derrick board and yells "Come on down, we're all run off!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hand comes up to a rig with a black leg looking for a job. The Driller says he needs a Derrickhand. The hand says "Well I'm the best Derrickhand in the world."
The Driller says "Yeah,sure. Tell you what, you run this pipe in the hole and you can have the job."
They start running pipe. The Driller says to the floor hands "Let's see how good this guy really is."
He runs the blocks up as fast as they'll go. The hand latches it, wham!! The stand jumps of the floor. The Driller showers down on the brake handle.
He makes that one up. He tells his hands "Ok, turn those elevators around backwards." He runs them up as fast as he can, turned backwards. Wham! The stand jumps off the floor. He showers down on the brake.
"All right I'll show that smart ass" He tells his hands " Take that sledge hammer and break those bull horns off those elevators."
He sails them up, backwards, no horns, and Wham!! The stand jumps off the floor. He showers down and looks up "Damn it! I'll show him."
He tells his hands "Take them damn elevators off."
He sends the blocks up thru the derrick. He says laughing "Let's see that smart SOB latch one now."
About that time the stand jumps off the floor. He showers down and looks up.
The Derrickhand hollers " Better hurry up and stab it drill. I only had time to get one half hitch in this rope!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Men of Iron
The day is fresh
We are too
There's too many things for us to do
We're the men of iron
We service the rig
Then we toil
In mans search for hidden oil
We're the men of iron
A connection or two
The bit wears out
Out of the hole the driller shouts
We're the men of iron
The blocks go up
The blocks fall down
The rotary spins round and around
We're the men of iron
The bit is out
We're half way through
We stop for a drink and a bite of food
We're the men of iron
A new bits on
We run it in
We're on bottom drilling again
We're the men of iron
Its quiting time
Relief is here
We hit the road and get a beer
We're the men of iron
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Oilfield Trash
I'm an oilfield hand that's what I am
I've worked on rigs all over this land
I travel around from town to town
drilling little holes in the ground
It's a gypsy life, but I sure love it
I'm oilfield trash and damn proud of it
I've got a woman in every town
and thier always glad when I come around
Lovin and drinkin and raising hell
those are the things that I do well
I love a barroom brawl
A knock down drag out free for all
And if the locals get in my way
I look em in the eye and say;
"Kiss my ass! I'm oilfield trash!
If you don't like it you can shove it
cause I'm oilfield trash and damned proud of it!!"
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Galen Cox on -
Did you’ll hear about the two hippies that wanted to go to work in oilfield?
Yes it true; they heard that dope comes in five gal buckets, there’s a pusher on every rig, 30’ joints and a trip every eight hours.
It’s been a long time since I told that old thing did I forget anything guys?
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Permalink Reply by Karl Eiriksson on -
YOURE FIRED!!!
Back in the old days some of the drilling rigs were quite slack on safety practices. I was working derricks for a driller that was just about the smartest man that I had ever met. I know this as fact because he told me so. The derrick lights were spliced on about every 10 ft. to 15 ft. apart. The cable was ragged out, frayed and really worn out wire. This was instant death for anyone that touched it. The wind had been blowing and had broken some of the lights as it whipped against the derrick. I was the most experienced roughneck on the crew and I was the derrick hand. I had already been roughneck’n more than a month. It’s a shame that I was the best he had. Eddie the driller said climb up there and change out those light bulbs. I ask if it would be possible to wait for it to quit raining and blowing so hard. Eddie already had a 5 gallon bucket full of rags and diesel burning under the weight indicator and still couldn’t see good enough. He couldn’t see even if it was daylight. He couldn’t hear either. I believe that was my first encounter of optional or selectable hearing, he only heard what he wanted to hear and didn’t want to hear about the rain and wind.I told him that with no climbing belt or anything to hold me if I slipped, the chances of me falling were very good.His exact works were:“If you don’t learn to fly before you hit the floor, you’re fired.”
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Permalink Reply by Galen Cox on
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Hey did hear about CW?
Yeah he was driving down the road one day just a getting with it 55 mph! A cop pulls in behind him follows him for miles. Finally the lights go on pulled old CW over.
Cop comes up along side of the old truck looking it up and down. Taps on the old door and old CW sticks his head out the window and said; yes sir... as best he could. Cop said the reason I pulled you over was that I follow you for miles and I just wanted to tell you that you are the best truck driver I ever saw!! You drove the speed limit and gave plenty time to let me know you were going to turn, didn’t follow to close, boy the list goes on…. I just wanted to know how you can do that.
We’ll OLD CW hangs his head out the window and said… when you are as drunk as I am, haven’t got a drivers licenses and hauling a load of marijuana you gotta be careful!
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Permalink Reply by Karl Eiriksson on
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Lawyer, Doctor, Roughneck...
There was a Lawyer, a Doctor, and a Roughneck all ponied up to the urinals in rest area.
The Lawyer got done, he goes to the sink and barely dips his fingers in the water and uses about 1/2 a towel to dry them. "I went to Harvard law school," he proudly boasts," they taught us to be very conscience of the environment!"
Doctor gets done, uses about 3 gallons of water to wash all the way to his elbows while the other two watch. "I went to Johns Hopkins, they taught us to be very clean in everything."
The Roughneck gets done, zips up, and heads towards the door. The Lawyer and Doctor look at him, puzzled. "I went to the University of Texas," as he looks at the uppity professionals,"they taught us not to p*ss on our hands!"
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Permalink Reply by Karl Eiriksson on
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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different!
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got
pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline
didn't get pregnant again.'
Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?'
Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earline with me.'
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Permalink Reply by Karl Eiriksson on
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Professional Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
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Permalink Reply by TURBORIG58 on -
Karl, your gonna cause me to start wearing "Depends"...Lmao....these are too funny...keep'em coming !!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Karl Eiriksson on
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Cowboy and the Yuppie Joke
A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?”
The cowboy looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parked his car, whiped out his Dell notebook computer,
connected it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfed to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another
NASA satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he received an email on his Palm Pilot that the image had been
processed and the data stored.>
He then accessed a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
received a response.
Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turned to the cowboy and
said, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” said the
cowboy. He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on
amused as the young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy said to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man
thought about it for a second and then said, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, said the cowboy.
“Wow! That’s correct,” said the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” “No
guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here, even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about
cows……..
Now give me back my dog.”
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Permalink Reply by Karl Eiriksson on
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Another Cowboy Joke
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a Drink.As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.” She said, “I’m a lesbian. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.” The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, “I always thought I was but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”
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Permalink Reply by Tony Ackerman on -
ROTFLMFAO!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Karl Eiriksson on
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Caution: Really Dumb One Liners…
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,”Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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Permalink Reply by Karl Eiriksson on
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A Horse, A Chicken and a Harley......
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
© RoughneckCity.com
