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Why do the Men on the rigs think they are above everything and they dont have to call their wives just because they are there....Do they not understand that the only way to keep a marriage alive is through the phone....I hate going for months with telling him to call...and when he does he says he is tired and has to go..Im getting so frustrated.

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I KNOW!!!!! I completely understand where you are coming from.  I understand he works hard, but its not like I'm asking him to run a marathon!!  Howb much energy does it take to fit in a quick phone call? 

 

I had a talk about it a few weeks ago.  At first he basically made it out to be that I was needy, but he came around and told me that it was selfish of him and he'd try to make more phone time for me.  And last week when he was on day shifts he did call every other day, which surprised me.   He's on night shifts not though, so when he's off Im' at work.  So I called him today on my coffee break!  It probably won't last for very long and I'll have to do the nagging thing again, but at least it works for a few days!  Thank goodness for texting though.  I may not talk to him every day, but we are constantly texting eachother throughout the day.  I even customized his text tone, so every time I hear it I smile, hahaha.  Rig men are a different breed from the regular guy, and its taking me quite a bit to get used to it.  Last night we had the talk of when he's going to stop rigging, 10 months to go!  Yay! 

 

lol...How long has he been rigging...my husband has been rigging for 14 years and he told me he would quit rigging in March...that was two years ago...It is hard for them to let go of the money...

My husband doesnt have text messaging his phone is broken that way..and he probably still wouldnt if he could..but they do have cell service and it breaks my heart when my kids want to be able to talk to him and he is being a selfish jerk..and then yes tries to turn it around on me...right now he is on night shift and I told him it doesnt take much for him to call me in the morning when he gets back..I do get anxiety with him out there though...cause there is woman out there that present themselves to the guys...which makes me really worried..I am never going to get used to it...you cant build a trusting relationship on a relationship that is gone all the time..and they put no effort into it..

Kat - how long is your husband gone? Months at a time? Wow.

My husband works offshore Liberia presently on a 28/28 rotation. We've done two and two, three and three and now it's a month. The communication has always been an issue. I thought it was "us" (or just "him" - ha!) for a while, but it turns out that it's something of a phenomena that's been recognized. Before my husband changes rigs/countries/assignments, his employer invites us to an expat orientation most of which doesn't really apply to our particular situation (but provides a paid flight to near wine country, so who's complaining?). The part that I found enlightening about the last orientation is when they got to the part of the schpiel about "communication issues" between couples. They showed a graph that looked like an odd shaped "U". Tell me if you can relate to this curve: at first, he does a pretty decent job of staying connected to you, but after a period of time you start to notice that you're not connecting as much as you'd like and you begin to feel somewhat neglected and frustrated. This feeling eventually turns into an acceptance that you simply are not connecting at all - emotional needs are not being met, period - and then about a day or two before he is fixing to come home, he gets very good at reconnecting again. In our case, he's gone about 28 days so the communication is fine for about a week or 10 days. Then there's about a week where I definitely feel his absence and begin to feel some level of discontent about the level of contact I've been able to have (we have a 9 hour time difference and frequent comms issues to deal with). At this point, I have learned that I can either be hurt and let him know that I'm hurt (been there, done that) or I can accept that this is part of the gig and refocus my energies elsewhere. He DOES eventually come back out of it and reconnect as home gets closer on his horizon.

I don't know if you've ever had an opportunity to visit a working rig, but it's kind of scary. I was on a rig once and I had this sensation of being on an enormous people crusher. There are so many enormous pieces of steel going so many different directions, so many simultaneous operations going on at once, and so many tools and no small amount of pressure. They work minimum 12 hour days - sometimes much more than that. Their lives are completely consumed with their jobs. Very soon into their hitches, they become kind of mentally spent after the work part of their day is done. They have a meal, maybe some mindless t.v. time to power down, and then it's their luxurious sleeping quarters for a few hours before they get up and do it all over again. So, very soon into their hitch yes . . . they become kind of miopic. Not because they don't love us, but because they're focused. Focused is a good thing.

I don't love it either. I recognized today, in fact, that we're in the low part of the U officially right now. He's about 2 1/2 weeks into his 4 week hitch, so that's about right. When we talk from here on out, I can expect it to feel a bit like an obligatory check-in. If I gripe at him about it, he won't call at all (ask me how I know). It's not easy, but I do a couple of things to ride this part of it out. I hope you're able to do these things, too.

I spend more time with my girlfriends, more time volunteering, I wear my ugly (but warm!) pajamas to bed, and I do more of the goofing off stuff that I ease back on when he's home (like computer time, sleeping in, obsessively rearranging furniture . . . ). And when I'm kind of chapped at him because even though I read the brochure before I signed up for this, some days it's still a drag . . . I do spend some time making a mental list of all the ways our lives are blessed. I know it sounds cliche, but our attitudes are everything.

I hope I didn't sound preachy. I've been super frustrated, too! We can vent to each other and pray for their safety and each other.

<3 Traci

Oh my goodness your post just hit the nail on the head!!!!! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Some of the posts on here I can kind of relate to, but this one is us!! Awesome post! Think I will print this off and keep it at my desk for a reminder on those days when communication is not what I expected! Thanks so much again!!! :D

Thank you Traci Fowler :)

He's been working rigs off and on for 18 years. And most of the time I handle it pretty well.  Getting called back to work early, never seeing him, the crap hours that make it impossible for us to talk when he's working night shifts, rearranging my LIFE for him, I can usually stay sane and keep reminding myself why its worth it, and that I'd rather have him some time then no time at all.  But there are some days when I'm like, what is the point!?!?!  And we've made up a budget and he is only going to be working another year until our debts paid off, then he's going to take over his dads company.  So I know he isn't just saying that to reassure me. 

 

However, it feels like when he is having a bad day and misses me and needs me to be there for him, I'd drop pretty much most things for him and I'm there for him.  When he gets grouchy and is in a bad mood and is in a pick a fight sorta mood, I avoid a fight at ALL costs.  I know the things he does to try n start one and even though I'd like to pick a fight back, theres no point because its never been about anything (we both have bad bad tempers, so its been a HUGE learning curve trying to push down that part a bit to keep the peace, hahaha) 

When I am having a bad day, he doesn't seem to EVER go that extra mile.  And although there usually is a good reason, its like DAMN!  EVERY TIME, something comes up for him and he can't be there for me.  Its so frustrating!!!!! And when I am in a fight picking mood, I swear to GOD sometimes he says stuff on PURPOSE to bait me!  Just this morning, "oh here we go again" knowing that when he says that its like WINDING ME UP!!  I woke up in a terrible mood, and TOLD him I was in a terrible mood and nothing was going right and I just wanted to talk to him.  So what does he do?  Tells me he can't talk RIGHT AFTER he tells me he's only going to get 4 days off instead of his ten, of which we will be so busy doing stufff I will get no actual quality time with him!  And then he will be back to work for 30 days instead of the regular 20.  Making my mood WORSE,  and then vanishes.  So out of 54 days,  I see him 4 days. 

I hate men today.   

 

Wow that was a good vent!  hahaha.  I will NOT be answering his texts tonight, thats for sure. 

lol....Yes  Traci you are right...sorry if none of this makes sense Im writing this late..and Im tired..lol..but I found what you wrote exactly right and interesting..

  I understand that it is mentally demanding on him...but he is not on a typical rig rig...he is basically just on a single exploration rig...but he is gone for different periods of time..the 2 week hitches being the best....but the 10 week hitches being the hardest so far till he goes oversees...I try to occupy my time the best I can...

  that is awesome that you have been to a seminar about that stuff I would love to go..but sometimes when Im the sole one doing bills and stuff and the only person they will talk to is him and he wont talk about important stuff while he is working it kinda makes me feel helpless cause I cant get the important stuff talked about and dealt with..I dont know If you guys have that issue...

  and when I need to hear him say how much he appreciates me it is something that I dont get to hear to often without me kinda hinting suggesting....and right now being surrounded by other Rigger woman who are going through divorces right now...I need to hear that he appreciates me more than ever... and then having to feel like I have to compete with the attention of the woman that are out  there..it does worry me...How do you guys deal with that problem?

  We have had some major issues in the past that I dont feel have ever been resolved and kinda brushed under that carpet all the time...so I dont have the trust in my husband as I should have..and I know he is not a mind reader...so I talk to him all the time about how I feel...not accusingly or anything...just letting him know how I feel...and I dont feel he ever tries even when he is home to give me that security to build that bond..Im someone who usually gives my heart and soul...but in the same aspect kinda expects it back..

 and Just like Mallory....he knows exactly what buttons to push to push that panic button to set off the alarms..and he does it frequently...I ask him why he does that  and he says he loves the challenge and to keep me on edge...so right there it doesnt feel like I can ever get the security I need to feel I dont know how else to put it but safe...lol..

  On a lighter note....lol...Did you know that you can get little GPS chips to put into your kids....I never knew that till today...I would like one for the husband...that would make me feel better..hehehehe

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