a few jokes and poems page.......

A FEW OILFIELD JOKES
A man retires after 50 years in the oilfield. He is hanging around the house and gets bored, so he goes down to the nieghborhood bar.
He's having a couple of beers and starts a conversation with the bartender. The bartender asks him what he does. The guy says he just retired after 50 years in the oil patch.
The bartender says "wow! 50 years huh? You must know all there is to know about drilling an oil well".
The guy chuckles and says "no. I don't figure i know half of it."
the bartender is amazed. He says "you mean you worked in the oil business for 50 years and you don't know all there is to know about it?"
guy says " no, not by a long shot."
bartender says "well just how long do you have to work in the oilfield to know all there is to know about it?"
the man thought a second and says "usually about 6 months!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daylight Driller is filling out his books. He sees that Morning tour wrote "Pull out hole"
So he writes "Put hole back in"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old timeDriller always writes "F'n the dog" on the books whenever thier on down time. The Tool Pusher tells him they have a new secratary in the office and she's real religeous so don't be writin that anymore.
The Driller starts writing "Chasing the dog" instead. This goes on for awhile. One day after being down for awhile he's in a hurry and forgets. He writes "F'n the dog".
A few days later the Push brings out the pay checks. The drill opens his and inside is a note from the secretary. It reads " I see you finally caught that dog"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A worm has been in the patch just long enough to think he knows it all. One day they are moving the rig. They get it all set up and shut down for the night. The next morning he shows up early before anyone else gets there. He fires up the engines and starts running the blocks up and down.
He's yelling at the floor "Make them tongs bite! Pull those slips!" He looks up at the board and yells "Latch that pipe hand!". He's having such a good time he doesn't see the Tool Pusher walk up behind him. The Push watches him for a minute then taps him on the shoulder. The kid is startled, he looks back at the Pusher. He chains the brake handle down looks up at the derrick board and yells "Come on down, we're all run off!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hand comes up to a rig with a black leg looking for a job. The Driller says he needs a Derrickhand. The hand says "Well I'm the best Derrickhand in the world."
The Driller says "Yeah,sure. Tell you what, you run this pipe in the hole and you can have the job."
They start running pipe. The Driller says to the floor hands "Let's see how good this guy really is."
He runs the blocks up as fast as they'll go. The hand latches it, wham!! The stand jumps of the floor. The Driller showers down on the brake handle.
He makes that one up. He tells his hands "Ok, turn those elevators around backwards." He runs them up as fast as he can, turned backwards. Wham! The stand jumps off the floor. He showers down on the brake.
"All right I'll show that smart a**" He tells his hands " Take that sledge hammer and break those bull horns off those elevators."
He sails them up, backwards, no horns, and Wham!! The stand jumps off the floor. He showers down and looks up "Damn it! I'll show him."
He tells his hands "Take them damn elevators off."
He sends the blocks up thru the derrick. He says laughing "Let's see that smart SOB latch one now."
About that time the stand jumps off the floor. He showers down and looks up.
The Derrickhand hollers " Better hurry up and stab it drill. I only had time to get one half hitch in this rope!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Men of Iron

The day is fresh
We are too
There's too many things for us to do
We're the men of iron

We service the rig
Then we toil
In mans search for hidden oil
We're the men of iron

A connection or two
The bit wears out
Out of the hole the driller shouts
We're the men of iron

The blocks go up
The blocks fall down
The rotary spins round and around
We're the men of iron

The bit is out
We're half way through
We stop for a drink and a bite of food
We're the men of iron

A new bits on
We run it in
We're on bottom drilling again
We're the men of iron

Its quiting time
Relief is here
We hit the road and get a beer
We're the men of iron
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Oilfield Trash

I'm an oilfield hand that's what I am
I've worked on rigs all over this land

I travel around from town to town
drilling little holes in the ground

It's a gypsy life, but I sure love it
I'm oilfield trash and damn proud of it

I've got a woman in every town
and thier always glad when I come around

Lovin and drinkin and raising hell
those are the things that I do well

I love a barroom brawl
A knock down drag out free for all

And if the locals get in my way
I look em in the eye and say;

"Kiss my a**! I'm oilfield trash!
If you don't like it you can shove it
cause I'm oilfield trash and damned proud of it!!"

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by TURBORIG58 on July 29, 2009 at 9:15am

LMAO ....Karl I have to tip my hat to ya my friend...these are great !!!!!

Karl Eiriksson said:

Two Radical Arabs boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him
in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine
sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled
his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the
window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' '

Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll
get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the
Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab
said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he
was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other
shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine
slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately
what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab
neighbours .. . .

Why does it have to be this way?

How long must this go on ..... . . ?

This fighting between our nations . . . ?

This hatred . . . ?

This animosity . . ... ?

This spitting in shoes and p****** in cokes . . . ?

Permalink Reply by TURBORIG58 on July 29, 2009 at 11:44am

Hahahaha...I Love It !!!!!

Karl Eiriksson said:

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my b*** and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

Permalink Reply by Mike Shortnacy on July 30, 2009 at 12:19am

A man is sitting in a pub when suddenly he realized he desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so he timed his farts with the beat of the music and cut loose. After a couple of songs he started to feel better so he finished his pint and then noticed that everyone was staring at him.
It was at this moment he remembered he was listening to his ipod!!!

Permalink Reply by Mike Shortnacy on July 30, 2009 at 12:27am

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetary plot as a Christmas gift. The next year he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well you still haven't used the one I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...

Permalink Reply by Mike Shortnacy on July 30, 2009 at 12:34am

A women is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, " I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, " your eyesight is damn near perfect."

And that's how the fight started...

Permalink Reply by Mike Shortnacy on July 30, 2009 at 12:38am

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale!!!

And that's how the fight started...

Permalink Reply by Mike Shortnacy on July 30, 2009 at 12:45am

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and asked, "do you want to make love?" "No" she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simplly saying"Yes" So I said, "Well, then I would like to phone a friend!!!"

And that's how the fight started...

Permalink Reply by Mike Shortnacy on July 30, 2009 at 12:51am

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please," I said. He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
I replied, "Nah she can order for herself!!"

And that's how the fight started...

Permalink Reply by Mike Shortnacy on July 30, 2009 at 12:57am

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's how the fight started...

Permalink Reply by George King on July 30, 2009 at 7:58am

Roughnecks Prayer

I walked up on the floor one cold decembers day to hear a dying roughnecks last words he had to say.
He said, i am going to a land
were the keelys made of silver
the crown is made of gold
the gin lines swing from pearl gin poles
the driller makes connections
and you never come out of the hole

Permalink Reply by John Henri on August 4, 2009 at 2:06am

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened To the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'
The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'
'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.
'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing On him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'
The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few Minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, Put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then Looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with A cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from Head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly And strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most Definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.
The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed To the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!', she cried, $150 just To tell me my duck is dead!'
The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry.
If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150

Permalink Reply by sha curbow on August 4, 2009 at 9:51am

Karl Eiriksson said:

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if she can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah, right,' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, 'Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, it look like we got first and second place.'

AREA	LAST COUNT DATE	COUNT	CHANGE FROM PRIOR COUNT	DATE OF PRIOR COUNT	CHANGE FROM LAST YEAR	DATE OF LAST YEARS COUNT
UNITED STATES	5/10/13	1769	+5	5/3/13	-205	5/11/12
CANADA	5/10/13	118	-3	5/3/13	-2	5/11/12
USA OFFSHORE	5/10/13	50	-1	5/3/13	+5	5/11/12
INTERNATIONAL	04/2013	1301	+33	3/2013	+123	4/2012

Recent Rotary Rig Count May 10th, 2013

a few jokes and poems page.......

Replies to This Discussion

Executive Oil Gifts