Definition & Explanations - Rig Personnel
Company Man
He knows everything there is to know about everything. Usually has at least 90 years of experience. He has personally drilled the deepest well, been on the worst blowout ever and is also the world's greatest lover. Thinks everyone is dumb, except himself. He thinks that most pushers can't carry his water can. When something bad happens, he tells everyone he knew it would 3 weeks ago. Has a unique way of knowing who to put the blame on. He is usually too much in debt and when he reads about layoffs in the oil industry, he has nightmares about it. He's always saying consultants are being paid too much money and would really like to be one, but he knows there isn't anyone in their right mind that would hire him. He prays every night that he'll win the lottery.
Consultant:
Over-paid and under worked. Afraid he's running out of oil of companies to work for. He's always dreaming of his glory days. Tells everyone who'll listen that was his company's trouble-shooter before it went broke or was bought out and everyone was fired. He started his career as a mud engineer and learned the company man business by hanging around the office and answering the telephone when the company man and toolpusher went to breakfast. Got his first company man job in the boom of '78. Has worked all over the world and been held hostage 5 times. Has been over to Omar Khadafi's vacation villa to discuss world problems. He say's he's a good golfer and has been married 2 or 3 times and tells
everyone he knows how to avoid paying taxes.
Drilling Superintendent:
He's the company man's boss and always A & M graduate petroleum engineer. He has ended up in this position because of his seniority. He's the older engineer by at least 12-14 years. He gets the blame for everything because the people working under him, some how or the other gets him to make the wrong, final decision at 02:30 hours in the morning. He gets out of the office by 4 p.m. but doesn't get home until 9 o'clock at night. He tells his wife to tell anyone that calls that he isn't in. Therefore, the people that work for him wait until 2:30 to call because they know he will be the one to answer the telephone. He is usually the fall guy for anything bad that happens and even his bosses don't like him, and they will never fire him because they will always need a fall guy. By the age of 58, they will need new livers and suffer from Alzheimer’s and still don't have the big boat they always dreamed of.
Oil Company President:
The Big Kahuna. Ole Fuzzy Nuts. He puts all the blame on old super drill. He never liked him anyway. He feels the people under him are all incompetent. His heroes are Caesar, napoleon, and Adolph Hitler. He is always a very good golfer. And that's about all he does. He would rather shoot employees than fire them. He has few friends and no family. He drives a Lexus and burns the motor up because he didn't check the oil. He's always running out of gas. He believes he should be API president for life. He also wishes he could do drugs but doesn't know where to buy them. He really likes Hillary and would love to see her in short shorts.
Petroleum Engineer:
He is a graduate of Texas A&M and the oil company he now works for is the same company his father retired from. He is always 26 years old and he has a pretty wife. He thinks every job is very easy and there is never a reason for problems on the rig. He knows the stock market but is always broke. He buys his clothes at Dillards but shops at Wal-Mart after midnight. His biggest fear is his co-workers finding out about his Wal-Mart shopping. He thinks he can run the company better than present management and has read all the books on scientology.
Oim:
That's short for offshore installation manager. He's really only a glorified toolpusher that screwed up and got promoted. He tells the toolpusher he knows everything and worries a lot about the workboats and crew boats. He's been to every drilling school there is and is either a great fisherman or a rancher on the side. Tries to make everyone think he knows how to use a computer and does not like his superintendent. He doesn't like him for something that happened when they rough necked together. He thinks he should be superintendent and that all company men are stupid.
Drilling Technical Assistant:
A parent of at least two sub-teen children, who treats the drilling department as if they are of equal mental ability to the family. Believes they have the managerial skills to run a major oil company but devotion to the children and drillers prevents them accepting the increase in salary and reduction in responsibility. Has highly developed IT skills but can’t understand standard oilfield abbreviations. Thinks that to do the job properly they must have a phone attached to the left ear and at least on hand on a keyboard at all times. Treats morning meetings as an opportunity to practice aerobic exercise by running around answering all the phones. Because they manage their time well, they think that normal office hours are the only targets to be missed.
Toolpusher:
On land rigs, he is god, or at least he thinks he is. He dreams of owning a drilling company and showing the whole world he can drill deeper wells faster than anybody else. He always talks bad about the company man and how he always has to keep him out of trouble. He dreams of becoming a company man so he can drive a company car and get coveralls from all service hands. Sometimes has a little dog that likes to hump everyone's leg. Offshore, he is really a nobody. Has to ask the O.I.M. What to do. Worries about what movies are coming on after 1 o'clock in the morning. He hopes the satellite is working good because he doesn't know how to change it. He more likely hauled pulpwood sometime in his life.
Mud engineer:
Job title deceiving. They're not really engineers. Their job is to play with the drilling mud and from time to time, they will recommend a recipe to put in the mud. Derrickman carry their load most of the time. However, because of their job title, most think they are smarter than the company man or consultant they are working for. They have also worked on every rig in every company's fleet, worked deeper, worked hotter, worked colder, flew higher, flew lower, take the worse crewboat ride, taken the best crewboat ride and so on and so on. Just ask one if you don't believe it.
Mud Logger:
Strange individuals. Educated enough to wake up in the morning, but guilty of doing the dumbest things. They think geologist run the oil patch. Normally they have really pale complexions and are MWD wanna be's.
Directional Driller:
35-40 years old and has 3 or 4 years Toolpushing experience. Became a Directional Driller because he could run a calculator and he knows which way the sun rises and sets. Also the drilling company he was pushing for went broke and the best he could do with another company was Floorhand. He didn't want to come down the ladder because when he climbed it, he left too much s*** behind. They're kind of oil company representatives. They always know something bad was going to happen and who to blame. Some are married to very young girls and some are not, but they're all paying child support. They have a boat but never use it. They all live in the country. Most of their wives have boyfriends and those boyfriends are usually other directional Drillers. By the time they're 57 years old, they have nerve problems, high blood pressure and are impotent and their wife has run off with a younger directional hand. Later in life, nobody wants to be around them and they usually end up in a state run home for the poor and mentally unstable. Sometimes they might run into an old rig electrician. They usually die about 2 days apart from one another.
Directional Driller (trainee):
When training, he never learns anything because the old directional hand will not teach him. The old hand's afraid the young hand will learn and work cheaper and take the old hand's job. The young hand is always calling his wife because they've never been apart for more than 14 days and he's heard all the stories about young, pretty wives that are left alone too long. He tells everyone it will never happen to him, but we all know it will, and for the few hands that make it through training, well we know what happens to them.
Driller:
He's worked every rig in the fleet. Packing a chip on his shoulder because he thinks he should be promoted to pusher by now. He isn't kin to the pusher but he knows the pusher's wife really, really well.
Derrickman:
Gets paid a quarter more per hour and thinks he's getting rich. He's young and strong, but also stupid. Usually he's the Drillers cousin.
Floorhand:
Was a roustabout but got his break at roughnecking because the real roughneck got locked up and couldn't make it to work, and he's the pusher's nephew.
Roustabout:
A real roughneck wanna be, but usually too dumb to become one.
Mechanic:
This position is only on offshore rigs. He's an old motorman who can no longer lift his little toolbox, but he got the job because he knows the superintendent. He gave the superintendent his first job on a drilling rig way back when. No kin to anyone on the rig and says he likes it that way just fine.
Motorman:
He's too old to pull slips but knows how to fix the kelly spinner. He has his own little toolbox. He's the pusher's uncle.
Cementer:
Has to call his office to figure every job. Does his very best to work the entire job without having to get on his unit. Gets more sleep than anyone on the rig and is constantly worried about gaining weight and when relief is going to get there. His primary job is to tie down the satellite dish in high winds.
Crane operator:
Has many responsibilities, however, primary responsibility is checking the fish trap. Constantly in search of an above average roustabout to train to run the crane so all he has to do is stand around, stay clean and talk about the deer camp. Most of the time he is related to someone in the office.
Store Manager:
This person knows how to change the satellite receiver system and is in charge of all the football pools. He dreams of the New Orleans saints going to the super bowl. Doesn't own coveralls or steel toe shoes and doesn't have a clue what a drilling rig really does.
Safety Man:
He knows how to read and write and has the ability to look really important when the helicopter lands. The rig cannot operate without him. He can also change the satellite receiver. Always worried about how much people weigh.
Electrician:
Had his own business a long time ago but went broke. His third cousin, the night toolpusher, got him his job. Usually been on the same rig for 20 or 30 years. Hangs on until they force him to retire and then ends up in the old folk+s retirement home. He keeps himself busy trying to fix all electric wheel chairs. The one's that get laid off before they're 70 years old usually go to work for a carnival.
Welder:
He can never be found and the only ones that believe his stories are the roustabouts. Always says he's working on something, but needs more time to finish. He also helps with the fish trap. He is usually 45 years old, or so, and used to be in the armed forces and still learning to read. He is always daydreaming, wanting a cold beer and complaining about the food. One of the Drillers is his second cousin, and the Driller thinks his cousin, the welder, is the best there is.
Dispatcher:
Too lazy to work at a real job and has been around the world 5 times. Claims he knows the president, or at least the man-in-charge, of every oilfield related company in the oilpatch. All he talks about is going to work for production and winning the lottery.
Bit Salesman:
These guys are really dumb. They almost always have bad backs and pretty wives. With his ear to the ground, he knows who's been fired, who's been hired, and which is the best rig in the field. He also knows where the best strip joints are and all of the girls by their real names.
Steward:
Usually retired military, couldn't cook then and he can't cook now, but he still likes to think the world won't turn without him. If he's kin to anyone, they don't claim him.
Galley Hands:
Nobody knows who they are or where they came from. They tell a different story each time they are asked. Most are hiding from the law. They set out to New Orleans wanting to join the French Foreign Legion, but are suckered in by some catering recruiter on Bourbon Street. They all hate the cook and wish he would fall over-board. After three hitches offshore, they turn themselves into the law and never come back.
MWD Engineer:
Generally have too much education and not enough common sense. Very few are married and the one's that are never talk about their wives. They never laugh and talk very little. Their silence is a cover for the hate and disgust they have for themselves. For the waste of time spent on education only to find some high school drop-out makes 2 to 3 times more money than them. When sex is brought up, they walk away. You never see them over the age of 40 and nobody seems to know what happened to them. They watch too much TV. and worship the ground Hillary walks on.
