Kelly wasn't sure how to post this so this is all Kelly's credit goes to him
Fast Eddies Well work & Consulting Service
( Where your well really doesn’t mean crap to us)
Our Mission statement
We have a rig, you don’t. You need your well completed or repair in order to make your
oil business profitable. Essentially, we have you by the balls. So with that in mind,
Our mission is to screw you out of as much money as possible while milking the jobs
over several weeks, even months.
Rig Rates & Equipment Charges
Basic Rig w/ one rig hand $ 535.00 / hr.
w/ motor $ 715.00 / hr.
w/ drawworks $ 927.00 / hr.
w/ blocks & drill line $ 1,211.00 / hr.
Complete Rig in working condition $ 2,643.00 / hr.
Rig pump $ 350.00 / hr.
If pump is fired up $ 499.00 / hr.
If we actually pump anything $ 523.00 / hr.
BOPs $ 200.00 / hr.
w/ accumulator $ 350.00 / hr.
w/ rams $ 425.00 / hr.
actually bolted to well head $ 715.00 / hr.
Flat tank $ 175.00 / hr.
Without holes and no leaks $ 325.00 / hr.
Power Swivel $ 1,430.00 / hr.
Rig Personnel Rates
Tool Pusher
Basic $ 950.00 / hr.
Show up at the rig $ 1,250.00 / hr.
Show up sober at the rig $ 1,475.00 / hr.
Actually knows something about the rig $ 1,895.00 / hr.
Extra rig hands ( one provided with the basic rig package )
Basic rig hand $ 45.00 / hr.
Sober rig hand $ 65.00 / hr.
Pee-tested rig hand $ 85.00 / hr.
Travel Time
Regular travel time $ 25.00 / hr./hand
Nighttime travel $ 35.00 / hr.
Morning travel w/ coffee $ 45.00 / hr.
Morning travel w/o coffee $ 58.00 / hr.
Vacation travel ( discounted ) $ 65.00 / hr.
Air travel ( for my family and friends ) $ 1,700.00 / hr.
Fast Eddies Well work & Consulting Service
( Where your well really doesn’t mean chap to us)
Rubber Goods & Expendables
The following goods and materials will be paid at cost plus 175 % for handing and
picking up the chap.
Stripping rubbers rags diesel fuel tires
Swabbing rubbers rig clothes propane underwear
Drilling rubbers beer magazines gifts for my family
Condom rubbers chip & dip video rentals new trucks
Sandline catered lunches satellite dish dancing girls
Drilling line Surf & Turf Pay-per-view anything else
Holiday & Vacation Schedule & Rates
All rig personnel will be paid for 17 holidays per year, including new year, day after
New years for hangovers, Presidents day, Vice Presidents day, Cabinet Members Day,
Doris day, May day, Groundhog day, labor day, Happy days, Hanukah, Christmas Eve,
Christmas day, Cinco de mayo, Winter solstice, summer solstice, Al Gore appreciation
Day, and all religious observance day of any religion or faith around the world.
These holidays are paid at 3 ½ times the regular rates as detailed in the price sheet.
Vacation is paid by your company. All rig personnel earn 2 days of paid vacation for
every 1 day worked. Rig personnel can take as much vacation for as long as they want
and you can’t do chap about it.
Special Charges & Penalties Assessed
When well operations are in progress and the well isn’t coming around like you want, it’s
not our fault. Poor well performance is mostly due to bonehead Geology and Engineering
decisions your company made. As the company hand becomes more and more stressed he
has a tendency to take it out on the rig personnel. When this happens, the following
special charges and penalties will be assessed.
Company man whining $ 55.00 /hr.
Company man complaining about the rig personnel $ 85.00 /hr.
Company man complaining about the rig operation $ 75.00 /hr.
Company man cussing at the rig hands $ 95.00 per a** chewing
Company man cussing at the tool pusher $125.00 per a** chewing
Calling the tool pusher names $ 3.50 per name
Disparaging comments about tool pusher ancestors $ 12.00 per ancestor
Calling the tool pusher an a**.... $ 17.00 for each a******
Calling the tool pusher an assh.... and meaning it $ 38.00 for each a******
There is a (4) hour minimum on cussing and a** chewing charge
Fast Eddies Well work & Consulting Service
( Where your well really doesn’t mean chap to us)
Climate, Weather & Miscellaneous Charges
Often times we have to work under adverse and difficult conditions. This is your
company responsibility because you scheduled the well during chappy weather and want us
to work in harsh environments. All of the following apply:
Muddy cold windy sunspots
Snow fog rain biological threats
Ice dampness sleet nuclear attack
Hot spots dusty hail under direct fire
Work Schedules
Normal hours of operations are 10AM to 2PM with a 1 ½ siesta catered lunch and break
hours outside these normal times are charges at double time and a half (that’s 2 ½ times
whatever it say above). If this doesn’t fit your schedule, tough, just deal with it.
Disclaimers
We’re not responsible for anything bad that happens to your well while we’re working on
it. Studies show most bad things that happen can be traced directly back to bonehead
decisions that the dumb a** company man makes. We also hereby invoke the “chap
happens” and clause which state in absence of direct blame on the company man, we just
say “chap happens” and your company has to pick up the bill for any damages. Any legal
problems arising from the well operations or any portion of this contract will be directed
to our lawyer, Vinny the knife in New Jersey.
Contract and Rate sheet Signatures
By endorsing this contract, you agree to all terms above and anything else we dream up
that’s not on here. Fast Eddie’s wellwork reserves the right to change any price, rate or
terms at any time for any reason. By signing this document, you agree to being screwed
big time for major bucks.
_________________________________ _______________
signature date
Ignorant A** Co-Man
_________________________________ ________________
signature date
Fast Eddie Signature
