Oilfield Job Description -

Oil Co. Boss – The Top Bloke. Invariably overseas from location. He puts all the blame on the drilling superintendent when asked why the budget looks so bad and profits are down. He has never liked him anyway and didn’t want him appointed. He feels all the people under him are incompetent. His heroes are Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler and Thatcher. He is a very good golfer and that is about all he does. He’d like to pork the secretary but having come so far up the ladder he has indeed, as opposed to others under him, learned that the consequences of this move would be too far reaching in that he might actually have to work. Talks a lot about Health and Safety when what he really means is ‘cut the costs’. He would rather shoot employees than fire them, but off-site and not on company time. Have few friends and no family. Drives a big Lexus or Jag or Beamer and burns the motor up because he never checks the oil and is always running out of petrol. Believes he should be appointed president of the SPE / API / IADC for life. Wants to do drugs (“for experimental purposes only”) but doesn’t know where to buy them. Would love to see Cherie Blair in a Basque and is possibly one of the few people that just might.

Drilling Superintendent – He’s the Co. Man’s boss invariably has an Oxbridge or St. Andrews degree. Got the job due to seniority and because nobody else was prepared to stick their head that far above the trench. Gets the blame for everything because the people under him, somehow or other, get him to make the wrong, final decision at 2:30 a.m. Gets out of the office at 4:00 p.m. but doesn’t get home till 9:00 p.m. Has his wife tell anyone that calls that he isn’t in so the guys who work for him wait till 2:30 a.m. to call because they know he’ll answer the phone then. He is commonly seen as the fall guy for anything bad that happens. Even though his bosses don’t like him they will never fire him because they will need a fall guy. By the age 58 he needs a liver transplant, is developing Alzheimer’s and still does not have the big boat he’s always dreamed of sailing and still never has the time to go away for a weekend trip up the west coast.

Petroleum / Drilling Engineer – Heriot-Watt or Imperial graduate who works for the Oil Co. his father retired from. Are 26 years old and has an attractive wife. Thinks every job is easy and there is never a reason for problems on the rig. Understands non-Euclidean geometry and multi-dimensional mathematics but cannot change the fuse on a plug. Knows about the stock market but is always skint. In fact he never has any cash in his pockets. Buys all his clothes from Man at C ‘n’ A or Burtons and shops at Aldi or another pile-‘em-high cash-‘n’-carry. Thinks he could run the Company better than present management and has read all the books on Scientology and Quantum Mechanics. Is planning to do an MBA.

Company Man – Employed by the oil company because they needed someone with practical knowledge of drilling a well. Knows everything there is to know about everything. Usually has at least 90 years experience. He has personally drilled the deepest well, been on the world’s worst blowout ever and is the world’s greatest lover. Thinks everyone but himself is dumb. Thinks most toolpushers couldn’t even carry his fully insulated freebie tea-drinking vessel. When something bad happens he tells everyone he knew it was going to happen 3 weeks ago and had told everyone but no one would listen to him. Has a unique way of knowing who to put the blame on. Is usually in debt due to large divorce settlement and rumors about layoffs give him nightmares. Still he can “…. always go back to Saudi”. Thinks consultants are overpaid and would really like to be one but knows no one in their right mind would hire him. Prays every night he will win the lottery.

Consultant Night Company Man – Overpaid and under-worked. Starting to get afraid that he’s running out of oil companies to work for. Always dreaming of his glory days when he earnt 9/10ths of feck all as a sample catcher. Tells anyone who’ll listen he was this or that company’s trouble-shooter before it went broke or was bought out and everyone was fired. If no one will listen, he sleeps till 5 AM then hassles everyone for their reports so that he can do his then complains that no one got theirs in on time when his is late. Saw the light and became a mud “engineer” and learned the Co. Man business by hanging around the office and answering the phone when the Co. Man and toolpusher went to breakfast. Got his first Co. Man job in the boom of ’78. Has worked all over the world and been held hostage 5 times. Has been to Gaddafi’s beach villa to discuss world problems and chewed coca leaves with the Frente in Colombia. Claims to be a pretty good golfer and fisherman. Has been married 3 or 4 times and tells everyone he knows how to avoid paying child support. Always based ‘overseas’ and has the wildest stories on how to avoid paying tax which never work which is why he moves his country of residence every 4 years.

O.I.M – That’s short for Offshore Installation Manager in case you didn’t know and boy does he want to let you know. He’s just a glorified toolpusher who f**ked up and was promoted because it would cost too much to fire him. Tells the toolpusher he knows everything and worries a lot about the supply boats, manning levels and ‘potable’ water and how to deliver the next round of cost cuts to the Oil Company / Drilling Company big cheese. Has been to every drilling and management school there is and is either a fisherman or caravanner on the q.t. Tries to make everyone think he knows how to use the computer but constantly calls the I.T. dept. or radio operator who, as usual, do nothing. Does not like the Toolpusher because of something that happened when they roughnecked together eons ago. Thinks he should be Superintendent and that all Company Men are stupid.

Toolpusher (Land Jobs) – Thinks he’s God, or at least the new Messiah. Dreams of owning a drilling co. and showing the whole world he can drill deeper holes faster than anyone. Talks bad about the Company Man and how he always has to bail him out of trouble. Dreams of becoming a Company Man so he can drive a fancy Company air-conditioned Land Cruiser with sand tyres and get fancy coveralls which never get dirty but need to be washed first every time by themselves. Always has a little dog that likes to f**k everyone’s leg and always says “hey, ain’t that funny…he jis likes ya” when it happens. Likes to play Canasta, Euchre, Cribbage, Go Johnny Go Go Go Go or some other obscure card game for most of the afternoon with some gullible mug or two. Always manages to shove the pile of jobs on his list onto somebody else’s list leaving him to look very smart and efficient whereas the number of jobs to do remains the same.

Toolpusher (Offshore) – Would like to be able to think he is God. He is a drilling company Cheese nobody. Allegedly in charge of the drilling process and personnel but spends all his time doing paperwork for the OIM, Company Representative, Safety Officer, Drilling Company etc etc. Constantly moans about not being able to get to the drill floor at least to relieve the driller for a smoke-o but secretly loves the warmth of his office and the comfort of his all-singing and dancing tilt-every-way executive chair. Has to ask the OIM what exactly to do every morning. Wonders what movie will be on after 1:00 in the morning. Hopes the satellite receiver is working well because he doesn’t know how change it. More than likely was a scrap merchant or long-distance lorry driver at some time in his life.

Driller – He has worked on every rig in the fleet. Major chip on his shoulder because he thinks he should have been promoted to night pusher by now. He is not related to the toolpusher but knows his wife really well. Definitely believes he should be doing everyone else’s job and could certainly do it better than them in half the time. Always looking to get out of the business – never does.

Assistant Driller – has more jobs to do than anyone and manages to do none of them completely. Always said to be in one place doing one thing when he’s usually somewhere else dinking coffee or smoking a f*g. Chief job is to relieve the driller so that he can go and eat, smoke, drink, BallS**t, and relive the days when he was an Assistant Driller if the OIM will allow him to do that. If not trusted with this task then his main modus operandi is moving from a to b whilst looking busy.

Derrickman – Gets paid about 20p more per hour than floorhands and thinks he’s getting rich. He’s either young, strong and stupid or old and bored. Usually he is related to the driller. Thinks the AD is a wanker. Gets very protective of the rig pumps. Is usually the only person that understands the mess of lines, pumps, valves, hoppers, overside lines, bungs etc etc between the pumps, mud pits, alongside boats and rigfloor but still manages to dump 600bbl of oil-base mud straight through the pits and back to the ogin on the other side of the rig the first time oil-base comes onboard. If half interested can become a mud-engineer (see below).

Roughneck – Was a roustabout but was promoted to roughneck when the real one couldn’t make it because he was either locked up or got the sack for turning up to the check-in pissed. He is the toolpusher’s brother’s youngest son.

Roustabout – A roughneck wannabee, but usually too dumb to become one. A walking hazard. Commonly seen lurking in the corner of the tea-shack with a gleekit look on his coupon with others of similar ilk – they too are roustabouts. The one with the yellow jacket is the banksman. Likes the idea of becoming a Mudlogger till he finds out how much money they make.