Courtin' Advice

Courtin’ Advice for Young Roughnecks
Since I just celebrated the 24th anniversary of the day I rescued with my bride, Lottie May, from boredom and oblivion, I figure I might be qualified to give some advice to some of the younger hands that might be courting’ for a bride. Bare in mind that I’ve got some experience in these matters, as she’s my third try at wedded bliss, and since she’s tougher’n a hogs nose it might just work out. The other two just plain wore out, but that’s another story.
First thing ya gotta understand is; those ‘soiled-doves’ and rent-a-wives you meet at the saloon probably won’t work out. If you met them in there, they probably drink, and that’s gonna ruin your beer budget later on. Same goes for the turbo-Christian girl you met that time you went to church all hung over after the 4th of July. Even though you make her permanent prayer list, if she ever gets to baptize you, she’ll probably hold you under in that baptismal trough a whole lot longer than you want…
I don’t know this for sure, but some of the older, more experienced hands have told me a good place to meet girls is the washateria. The reasoning is this: They ain’t got their war paint on so ya can see what they actually look like a 05:00, and they don’t have their defenses up either. Just go in there with a big pile of greasy clothes from the rig and look helpless. Pretty soon one of them will come up to you and ask if she can help. JACKPOT! After she’s ‘mother-hennin’ ya and your clothes are festerin’ in the washer, you can take her across the street Krystal’s and buy her a couple Chilly-Cheese-Pups.
One thing you have to understand is that there are differences between men and women other than the obvious. Women think men will change given the right guidance. Men think that women won’t change. They’re both wrong. Women need to understand that man will still get out of the truck and ‘mark their spot’ whenever the mood strikes. You can’t change that. Men: You need to understands that women WILL change. They’ll eventually start to sag in various places, they’ll get wrinkles, and when they finally reach that ‘mental-pause’ stage, look out. Just deal with it.
I know that when you’ve finally found ‘Miss Right’, remember that her middle name is ‘Always’. Sooner or later, you are going to have a dispute that may turn into an argument. It happens… What you need to ask yourself is: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Ya can’t have both.
Marry the smartest girl you can find that’ll put up with you. There’s a reason for this. You can fix a lot of those changes you thought would never happen. For instance: When she starts to sag, you can take her down to ‘Dr. Silicone’ and buy her some aftermarket fun bags. If she get’s a little ‘fluffy’ you can buy her a membership at the gym. If she gets arthritis, you can give her some of that glucosamne and condroitin that you’ve been giving your hunting dogs. If her eyes go bad, you can buy her some light blue contacts. If her hearing goes, and she can’t hear you pass gas, well, leave that one alone… But, there’s one thing you can’t do… You can’t fix stupid. If she ain’t got a lick of sense, there’s nothing you can do. So get a smart one, at least she can balance your checkbook and make biscuits. That’ll get more important later after the new wears off.
All this sage advice reminds me of something that happened at the shop the other day. I pulled up and got out pretty early, and found my idiot brother, Willard, sitting on a 5 gallon pail outside the shop, looking like somebody just ran over his favorite dog. He was studying’ his shoes, mumblin’ and shakin’ his head. I said, “What’s ailin’ you, Willard?” No answer. I asked again. He finally said, “It’s my anniversary with Lee-Ann.” I said, “ Congratulations, Willard, I didn’t figure she’d put up with you this long, you ought to be happy.” “Naw.” Eventually I pried out of him what the problem was. He said, “ You remember when I first took Lee-Ann out in daddy’s Chrysler?” Yup. “You remember how her daddy caught us in the back seat over on Petersville Road?” Yup. “He stuck that shotgun in the window and said, ‘Boy, if you don’t marry my daughter, you’re gonna do twenty years in the pen.’ “ I was somewhat taken aback, and said, “Well, hey, Willard, you married her and now you’ve got a bunch of fine young’uns, what’s the problem?” He said,” I’d be getting out today…”